Everybody gets angry, but out-of-control rage frightens those around you, and it plays havoc with your health. Here are some tips to help you calm down.
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
• Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut"
• Slowly repeat a calming word or phrase such as "relax" or "take it easy". Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply
• Use imagery. Visualise a relaxing experience from either your memory or your imagination.
• Non-strenuous, slow exercises such as yoga can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
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This means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse or speak in colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get overly dramatic.
Try replacing these thoughts with reasonable ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself "Oh, it's awful, everything's ruined", tell yourself "It's understandable that I'm upset but it's not the end of the world and getting angry won’t fix it ".
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This machine never works" or "You're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, but they can also make you believe your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
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Suppose you have a friend who’s always late. Rather than go on the attack, think about the goal - getting your friend there at the right time. Avoid saying " You're the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I've ever met!" You’ll only hurt your friend.
Calmly state what the problem is and work on a solution that works for both of you. Or you might set your meeting time a half-hour early, so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing it. Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn't damaged.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything and that it won't make you feel better.
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Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you; you're just experiencing life’s daily ups and downs. Do this each time you feel yourself getting angry and it'll help you get perspective.
Angry people tend to demand things: appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them; but angry people demand them and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger.
As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature, and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying "I would like" is healthier than saying "I must have”. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions - frustration, disappointment, hurt - but not anger.
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Sometimes our anger and frustration are caused by very real problems. Anger can be a natural response to these difficulties. Some people believe every problem has a solution, and frustrates them to find this isn't always achievable.
The best attitude here is to focus not on the solution but rather on how to handle and face the problem.
Make a plan and check your progress. Resolve to give it your best shot and not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t appear right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and face it head-on, you’re less likely to lose your cool.
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Angry people tend to jump to, and act on, conclusions. The best thing to do in a heated discussion is to slow down and think through your responses. At the same time, listen to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to the message behind the anger. For instance, suppose you like to do things on your own but your partner wants more togetherness. If they complain about your activities, don't retaliate by painting them as a jailer or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticised, but instead of fighting back, listen to what lies beneath the words. Perhaps they feel neglected. You may have to dig a little deeper to uncover this, but it will be worth it to find the real cause of their anger and then work on a solution together.
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Humour can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name, stop and picture what that word would literally look like.
For example, say you want to call a co-worker a "dirt-bag" or a "single-cell life form", for example, picture a bag full of dirt, or an amoeba, sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, and going to meetings. If you can, draw a picture of what it might look like.
The underlying message of highly angry people is "Things ought to go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally correct, that anything blocking their plans is an unbearable indignity that they should NOT have to tolerate. Maybe other people do, but not them.
When you catch yourself feeling this way, picture yourself as a god, striding along and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chance you have to realise that maybe you are being unreasonable.
There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just laugh off your problems. Rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh sarcasm, as that's just another form of aggression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
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Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that enrage us. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel trapped and angry with the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. For example, a working father might make a rule that when he comes home from work, the first 15 minutes will be quiet time. With this brief respite, he will feel better prepared to handle the kids’ demands.
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Timing. If you and your spouse tend to fight at night, try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments
Avoidance. If you get furious every time you walk by your child's chaotic room, simply shut the door.
Finding alternatives. If your daily commute enrages you, give yourself a project. Perhaps you could find a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find an alternative way to travel, such as taking a bus or commuter train.
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