Life 

Healthy self-esteem is our armour against life's challenges. Kids who feel good about themselves have an easier time handling conflict and resisting negative pressure from peers and other influences. They tend to smile more, enjoy life, are realistic and generally optimistic.

In contrast, children with low self-esteem become anxious and frustrated when faced with a challenge. Plagued by self-critical thoughts, such as "I can't do anything right" may make them passive, withdrawn or depressed.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings that we have about ourselves. How we define ourselves hugely influences our motivations, attitudes and behaviours.

At about the age of 3 or 4, children are already exploring many ideas and reaching conclusions about themselves that begin to crystallise. But the process starts even before then, during infancy. When a baby or toddler reaches a milestone, she experiences a sense of accomplishment that bolsters her developing self-esteem. The concept of success following persistence starts early.

Self-esteem can also be defined as the combination of feelings of capability, with feelings of being loved. A child who is happy with her achievements, but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved, but is hesitant about her own abilities can also end up feeling poorly about herself. Healthy self-esteem results when the right balance is achieved.

Signs of unhealthy and healthy self-esteem

Self-esteem ebbs and flows as a child grows because it is affected by new experiences and perceptions.

A child with low self-esteem may not want to try new things. She speaks negatively about herself, saying things like, "I'll never learn how to do this" or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway". She exhibits a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. Children with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions. A sense of pessimism predominates.

A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. She's comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as solo pursuits.

When challenges arise, she is able to work toward finding solutions. She voices discontent without belittling herself or others. She knows her strengths and weaknesses, and accepts them. A sense of optimism prevails.

What parents can do to help

• Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to parents' words. Reward effort and completion instead of outcome if the outcome isn’t great. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn't make the footy team, don’t say something like, "Next time you'll work harder and make it". Instead, say something along the lines of, "You didn't make the team, but I'm so proud of the awesome effort you put into it".
• Be a positive role model. If you are hard on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem and your child will have a great role model.
• Identify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs. Inaccurate perceptions can take root and become reality to a child. For example, a child who does very well in school, but struggles with maths may say, "I can't do mathS. I'm a bad student". This is an inaccurate perception that could set her up for failure. A helpful response from you might be: "You are a good student. You just need to spend more time on maths. We'll work on it together"
• Be spontaneous and affectionate. Love goes a long way to boosting your child's self-esteem. Tell her you're proud of her. Put a note in her lunch box that reads, "I think you're cool!" Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids know when it comes from the heart
• Give positive, accurate feedback. A comment like, "You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!" will cause a child to start believing she has no control over her outbursts. A better statement is, "You were really mad at your brother. But I appreciate that you didn't hit him". This acknowledges her feelings and rewards the choice she made, encouraging her to make the right choice again next time
• Create a safe, nurturing home environment. A child who doesn't feel safe or is being abused in her own home will suffer hugely from low self-esteem. A child exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Always remember to protect and respect your child. Make your home a safe haven for your family.
• Protect and defend your child. Watch out for signs of abuse, bullying, problems in school, trouble with peers and other factors that may hurt your child's self-esteem. Deal with these issues swiftly.

Finding professional help

Family and child counsellors can work to uncover underlying issues preventing your child from feeling good about his or her self.

Therapy can adjust the way a child sees themselves and the world around her, enabling her to first see herself in a more realistic light and then to accept who she truly is. With a little help, every child can develop healthy self-esteem for a happier, more fulfilling life.

Ask your family doctor to refer you to a family or child counsellor, or ask around family and friends, or research online.